In America, we like things cheap, quick and easy and nowhere are those preferences more pronounced than the arena of fast food.
As Adam Chandler, author of “Drive-Thru Dreams,” attests, “The food is terrible, and it’s delicious, and it’s completely ridiculous and we love it.”
In 1921, Capitalizing Capricorn Billy Ingram opened the OG White Castle, widely regarded as America’s first fast food restaurant. We’ve been lining up, chowing down and driving through ever since, sluggish hearts set on trans fat transcendence and corn syrup communion. There’s even a holiday that celebrates our civic tradition of caloric abandon, it’s National Fast Food Day and it’s November 16.
In honor of indulgence and the meat filled, health eschewing palaces of the American dream, we bring you a list of the zodiac signs as fast food restaurants. Dig in.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Fact: there is absolutely nothing subtle about an Aries or an Arby’s. Further, Aries rules the head and the symbol for Arby’s is an iconic albeit disproportionate cowboy hat. Aries is ruled by Mars, planet of action and aggression and so named for the Roman god of war. In kind, the color scheme of the average Arby’s is similar in shade to blood and bone and the chain is known to offer wild game as a limited menu item during hunting season. Guts and glory, baby.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus folk love to pretend to be healthy; calling an 8 minute floor based ab routine a “workout,” paying for a gym membership but only using the sauna, and pretending to go to Pizza Hut for the salad bar. Pizza Hut is the home of, and for, glorious gluttons with literary ambitions, for evidence of the more is more ethos of sign and chain, consider that in certain markets, Pizza Hut has incorporated chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers and hot dogs into its pizza crusts, some real fat boi s**t. Pizza Hut has also been immortalized in song by not one but two famous Taureans, David Byrne of the Talking Heads in “(Nothing But) Flowers” and Eric Church in “Give Me Back My Hometown.”
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Bruh, I don’t know who is running the game on the Domnio’s Twitter account but that person is absolutely a Gemini. For evidence see exhibit A, B, C and D. Quick on the draw with one liners, heavy shade, cutting word play and anxious self-deprecation, this pizza chain shares much in common with the mercurial Gemini. As a sign that hates commitment and prizes variety, Gemini feels seen by the 34 million pizza combinations Domino’s offers. Gemini is symbolized by the mythical twins Castor and Pollux and the company was founded by a pair of brothers from Ypsi, Michigan, same same but different.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Started by Cancer King Dave Thomas in 1969, Wendy’s promises to deliver “old fashioned hamburgers,” apropos for a sign that is ever wet eyed and wistful about the days of yore. Cancer rules the fourth house of home and ancestry and in addition to naming the chain after his eldest daughter, Thomas established and funded an adoption foundation dedicated to finding permanent homes for children waiting in foster care. Cancer has a reputation for being all up in their feels and to the delight of the world, Wendy’s unveiled an updated and heavily side parted Emo version of their eponymous logo in 2022.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Leo rules the fifth house of creativity and play. In kind, McDonald’s is the largest distributor of toys in the world and was the first fast food chain to introduce children’s playgrounds to their respective properties (never mind that they had to pay out millions for covering up injuries related to “The Big Mac Climber.”) Leos are big on god complexes and getting noticed and true to form, the golden arches are more globally recognized than the Christian cross, ipso facto, McDonald’s is bigger than Jesus.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Started by an industrious, overachieving teenager in 1965, Subway is the most ubiquitous fast food restaurant in the country. In kind, and in vibe, Virgo is an overachieving teenager and also the the most common sign in the zodiac. Like your toxic soft ball coach, Virgo isn’t judging you, they just want you to be a superior version of yourself . The sign has a reputation for being particular and Subway has a history of shutting down franchises for infractions as petty as unevenly chopped vegetables and smudged glass.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Guac is extra and so are they, folks. Ruled by Venus, planet of love and aesthetics, Libras are aces at curating a vibe and no national chain invests in theirs quite e like Chipotle. Every location boasts an interior that recalls the workshop of a well heeled iron worker or tech bro bachelor. The company even pays out to a company called Studio Orca to customize their in house playlists and “create their musical identity.” An identity which allegedly doesn’t include Radiohead because antibiotic free pork does not mesh with the sonic equivalent of floating in a pool high on Fentanyl.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
How did Burger King reward its most ardent customers? In true Scorpionic fashion with psychological warfare. In a publicity stunt, the company pretended to discontinue their most popular item and filmed the reactions of customers to the news. Known as the “Whopper Freakout,” the ensuing short film is a testament to tested loyalty and the power of scarcity both full blown Scorpio themes. The punishment and parallels don’t end here folks. Natives of this sign are prone to theatrics and extremes and a general goth teen who hates their parents vibe. Scorpio rules the excretory system and the gimmick laden, black drenched Halloween whopper made people s**t green. To live is to suffer, to love is to choose that suffering.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius is the free wheeling bon vivant of the zodiac, always down for a joy ride or lighthearted criminal activity. In kind, Taco Bell wants you to “Live Más” even and especially when more means waffle tacos. Sag folk are natural boundary pushers and edge seekers, and no fast food chain takes it further than Taco Bell. Thinking outside the bun from straight out the gate, Taco Bell was the first fast food chain to hire female managers and the only to decide that Doritos were destined to be taco shells. Despite claims to the contrary, Taco Bell taco meat is 88% beef and Sagittarius rates at 88% on the scale of human decency.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19
Capricorns low key love fancy s**t that makes them act/seem/feel superior and nothing communicates this loftiness like a drink order given in Italian. Caffeine is the life blood of capitalism and the Starbucks juggernaut is the story of how a coffee maker salesman became a self-made millionaire one franchise, and coffee war at a time. In astrology, Capricorn represents the archetype of the father and founder/CEO Howard Schultz referring to employees as “partners” while railing against their unionization is big time bad daddy vibes.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius is ruled, and at times pulled apart by the energy of two planets, progressive disruptive Uranus and stalwart, unyielding Saturn. We see this contest of wills alive and well in the business ethos of Chick-Fil-A, a company that differentiates itself from competitors by serving antibiotic free chicken and giving employees the sabbath to rest while also holding fast to a bigoted agenda that includes publicly espousing homophobic views and financially supporting the attempted derailments of the Equality Act. The last word on the matter belongs to this trinity of drag queens who parodied the controversy with their banger hit “Chow Down” that righteously asserts, “We just want a little meat without your Bible.” Preach ladies, preach!
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces folk are dreamy and generous and emotionally burdened by the idea that anyone would feel left out, unloved or underfed. So opposed is Panera Bread to the practice of division that the café doesn’t serve or sell slices of bread, only and ever the entire loaf, which consequently, is the most Pisces s**t I have ever heard. Art is love, music balm and the absolutely average equals extraordinary to the Pisces. In kind, Panera plays only classical and their mediocre wall art is always available for purchase. Panera = Pisces in that the company gives away free Wifi like it is their sacred duty and donate their unsold bakery items on the daily to local nonprofits.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.